Dead Man's Stench
by DecisiveEmuVictory
Summary: Second in a series. Everything's going fine and then suddenly Jack's running from a hungry monster, Liz and Will are wandering around looking for each other, and Bailey's starting to wish she had bothered to see the second movie.
1. Learning Curve

That's the foremast, that's the mainmast, and that's the mizzenmast, and this is how you climb them in order to trim the sails. This is how you trim a sail. This is how you tie a bowline knot, and a clove hitch, and a figure eight, and a sheet bend, and a square knot. This is how you splice a rope. This is how you move the rudder. This is what to do when you want to tack the ship, and this is what you do when you're jibing it. On and on and on... All of Jack's instruction stuck in my head like a catchy song. In fact, I made a lot of them into songs and went around singing to myself so that I would remember.

Jack's methods of teaching sometimes weren't any less strange than my methods of learning. Once he carried me off with the boom the same way he'd done to Will.

"The hell are you doing?" I demanded as I clung to the boom, my legs dangling over open water.

"Testing you," Jack replied. "Let's see if you can adjust that sail, shall we?"

"I don't think I can do it. What if I fall?" The panic in me mounted as my arms started growing tired from being wrapped so tightly around the boom.

"You can do it. And you won't fall. I wouldn't have put you out there otherwise."

I took a deep breath and hoisted myself up onto the boom, a maneuver I wouldn't have been strong enough to manage a few weeks ago. Then I stood up and pulled at the lines, adjusting the sail so that it was at the right angle to catch the wind. Jack swung the boom back over the deck and I hopped down.

"See, I was right! We'll make a sailor of you yet," said Jack, beaming.

Regardless, he really knew what he was doing, and I was glad he was taking the time to instruct me. I wanted to be useful, to prove I was worth my salt. It didn't hurt that I still found Jack really attractive and liked spending time with him and listening to him talk. I found myself watching his mouth a lot. Now that I knew how nice it felt against mine, there was very little time I wasn't thinking about kissing him again.

Jack was acting kind of oddly. The barrage of flirting and innuendos had stopped. It was like he was trying to be respectful or something. Well, that doesn't sound right, it wasn't like he was ever really _dis_respectful, more like...he'd started being almost..._formal._ I worried he didn't like me as much as I liked him.

On the other hand, he probably could have taught me how to tie knots without touching my hands so much. Not that I minded the way he'd kept taking my hands in his and going, "No, no, like _this_.."

It was a mystery. I decided should just focus on being a good sailor.

In addition to the standard tasks everyone had to do, I had the official title of ship's musician, and as such, it was my duty to lead the crew in shanties while they worked. Normally the musician doesn't partake in the day-to-day work, being a bit encumbered by an instrument, but I didn't have one anymore, and I found it easy enough to sing and heave at the same time. At the moment, though, there wasn't really anything to be done. The water was calm and the wind was just right, and the Pearl was gliding along like a duck in a pond. A Navy ship was following us and had been for several weeks, but they hadn't yet managed to get within firing range. The Black Pearl was the fastest ship in the Caribbean, after all.

"Where are we going?" I asked Jack. "I'm just wondering."

"That is an excellent question. I don't know."

"Huh?"

"There is a thing," Jack explained, as descriptive as ever. "A thing I wish to obtain. I know it's somewhere around northern Africa-ish, but I am not yet privy to its specific location."

"I thought your little compass thing could lead you to whatever you want," I said.

"There's a caveat," said Jack. "It can lead me to whatever I want _most_. The item in question is not what I want most. It's just a stepping stone to what I want, so to speak."

"Dang magic thingies and their loopholes."

"You can say that again."

"So what are you going to do, just...wander around Africa asking people for directions?"

"No. I'm going to ask a specific person. Someone who is intimately familiar with the Mediterranean region and most likely _is_ privy to such an item's location."

We continued sailing across the Atlantic and through the Strait of Gibraltar. We encountered the 'specific person' Jack had been speaking of as we entered the Mediterranean and the _Black Pearl_ approached another ship, the _Fancy_. The guy looked pretty silly, if you asked me-he had a long curly wig and had his face all powdered white and blush on his cheeks-but apparently he was the guy Jack needed to talk to, and talk they did. The object Jack wanted, apparently, was inside of a prison.

Stopping the _Pearl_ in order to talk to Captain Fancy Pants turned out to be a mistake. The Navy was gaining on us. Fortunately, it looked like there was a huge storm coming. The _Pearl_ made port in Tripoli to avoid the bad weather, and the Navy would have to make port as well if they wanted to avoid sailing through the storm.

* * *

We'd lowered one of the boats down into the water and Jack was getting ready to leave. I hovered around, trying to think of something to say. I thought I should say something. Infiltrating a prison sounded pretty dangerous. "Jack?"

He turned back to look at me. "Hm?"

"Be careful."

Jack gave me a crooked grin. "Aren't I always?"

"I'm serious," I said.

"Yes, it doesn't suit you."

I rolled my eyes. "What, would you prefer if I expressed it in song and dance? '_Please be careful, I don't want you to die!_'" I ended the impromptu little song with sarcastic jazzhands.

"Much better," said Jack. "Don't worry, love. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"That's why I worry," I said, poking him.

He stepped closer to me and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me, and it felt as though there were birds flapping around in my stomach. But instead Jack chucked me under the chin, and then he turned and climbed down into the boat.

It was light out when he left. The sky started getting darker and darker, and he still wasn't back. I couldn't sit still and kept pacing up and down the deck. Cotton's parrot squawked, "Raaaaawk! Even keel!"

"Cotton's got a point, lass," said Gibbs. "Jack can handle himself, you've no need to worry."

"He's been gone an awful long time..."

And then, with impeccable timing, Jack's head appeared over the side of the ship. Gibbs went over and held out a hand to help Jack aboard, but Jack slapped a skeleton's leg into it and climbed onto the deck. Cotton gave him his coat.

"What's with the leg bone?" I asked.

"It was formerly attached to a man, whom at one point was alive," said Jack vaguely.

"Great, that really clears things up, thanks."

"Not quite according to plan," said Gibbs.

"Complications arose, ensued, were overcome," Jack said.

"You got what you went in for, then?" said Gibbs.

"Mmmhmm." Jack nodded, wiggling a bit of cloth in his face.

"Captain," Gibbs began carefully, "I think the crew, meaning me as well, were expecting something a bit more...shiny. What with the Isla de Muerta going all pear-shaped, reclaimed by the sea and the treasure with it-"

"And the Royal Navy chasing us all around de Atlanteec," added Leech.

"And the hurricane," grunted Marty.

"Aye," the rest of the crew agreed.

"All in all, it seems some time since we did a speck of honest pirating," said Gibbs.

I snorted. "There's an oxymoron for you."

"Shiny?" Jack inquired.

Gibbs nodded fervently. "Aye, shiny."

"Is that how you're all feeling, then? Perhaps dear old Jack's not serving your best interests as captain?"

"_I_ think you're a good captain," I piped up, but clearly I was in the minority.

"Awk! Walk the plank!" Cotton's parrot squawked. Cotton immediately grabbed the bird's beak and held it closed, but it was too late. Jack grabbed his pistol, and pointed it at the parrot.

"What did the bird say?" he demanded.

"Do not blame the bird," said Leech. "Show us what is on that piece of cloth there."

Jack the monkey swooped onto the scene. Snarling, he took the cloth and scampered off. "Ohh!" Jack the human attempted to shoot him, but his pistol misfired. Jack grabbed someone else's pistol and shot the monkey. Jack the monkey screeched and dropped the cloth. Unharmed, he scurried onto the rigging.

To Jack, Gibbs said, "Know that does no good."

"It does me."

Marty picked up the cloth. "It's a key!"

"No! Much more better," said Jack, taking it from him and holding it up. "It is a drawing of a key."

"How is that better, exactly?" I asked. Jack shot me a look, as if to say "Shut up, please," as the crewmen drew forward, straining to catch a glimpse of the cloth.

"Gentlemen-and lady," Jack added as an afterthought, "what do keys do?"

"Keys...unlock...things?" Leech guessed.

"You don't sound so sure about that," I said.

"And whatever this key unlocks, inside there's something valuable. So, we're setting off to find whatever this key unlocks!" said Gibbs eagerly.

"No." Gibbs's excited look faded slightly. "If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever it is we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having the key what unlocks it?"

"So..." Gibbs lit up again. "We're going after this key!"

"You're not making any sense at all," said Jack dismissively.

"So...do we have a heading?" Marty piped up.

"Hah! A heading." Jack popped open his compass. Peering over his shoulder, I could see that the arrow kept spinning round and round. "Set sail in...mmm...a general...that way-direction."

"Cap'n?" said Gibbs hesitantly.

"Come on, snap to and make sail, you know how this works. Come on." I was about to go help them, but Jack grabbed my arm. "Hold on, I've got something for you."

"Oooh! What is it?"

"Can't tell you yet. That'd ruin the surprise," said Jack. "Follow me. It's in my cabin."

"It's not a surprise invitation to the party in your pants, is it?" I said as we went into the cabin.

"Oh, no," said Jack, "such an invitation is _always_ extended to you, love. No, this is a thing. A tangible, shiny thing." He opened one of the large chests in the cabin and pulled out a black case, which he handed to me. "Go on, open it."

With a click, the case popped open, revealing a beautifully made violin. I squealed. "Oh my gosh! Wow! It's fantastic! I can't believe it!"

"I told you I'd get you a new one," Jack reminded me.

"Yeah, but you were super drunk. I thought you forgot all about it," I said, just about hopping up and down in excitement. "Thank you!" I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him, and then I stepped away a little, my own face getting warm. Jack immediately grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back toward him, kissing me. I kissed him back, clutching the front of his shirt. Then one of Jack's hands moved up to my head, fingers curling in my hair. My heart was jumping around, thumping in my ears. I cupped my hands around his face; his skin was warm, and a little rough with stubble and exposure to the weather. It almost could have been days and days before we stopped kissing. When we finally did, I giggled nervously and looked up at him. The way he was looking back at me made me feel all goopy inside.

At that moment, Gibbs burst into the cabin. "Cap'n, are you sure you can't-"

Jack and I immediately sprang apart. My face couldn't have felt hotter if someone had thrown live coals at it. "Mister Gibbs, there's this thing called knocking. Perhaps you've heard of it?" Jack suggested.

"Sorry, Cap'n, I just wanted to ask if perhaps there's any chance of you being a bit more...specific in terms of the heading," said Gibbs. He looked a little embarrassed to have walked in on us, although he also looked like he might start laughing.

"As slim a chance as ever, Mr. Gibbs," said Jack.


	2. What You Want Most

I was awakened suddenly to hear Jack bellowing, "All hands on deck! Make fast the bunt gasket! Scurry on! I want movement! I want movement!" I shot up, swung my legs over the side of my bunk, and slid onto the floor, feeling glad I'd had the sense to sleep with my boots on. With the rest of the crew, I rushed to the deck and started helping with whatever I could. Meanwhile, Jack was still yelling. "All on deck! Run! And keep running! Run as if the devil himself and itself is upon us!"

"Do we have a heading?" said Gibbs.

Jack jumped. "Ah! Ooh! Run! Land." He ducked behind the mast and then slowly rose again. "Oh! Euh!"

"Which port?" Gibbs asked, unruffled by Jack's steadily more questionable sanity.

"Didn't say port. I said land. Any land."

Jack the monkey, his skeleton form exposed by the moonlight, swung down and snatched Jack's hat.

"Agh!" Jack jumped. The monkey snarled at him. Jack snarled back. In retaliation, the monkey threw his hat overboard.

"Jack's hat! Bring her about!" Gibbs cried.

"No no! Leave it!" Everyone turned and stared at Jack. "Run!"

"Back to your stations!" Gibbs yelled. "The lot o' ya!" Jack stood stiffly in the shadows under the stairs. Gibbs approached him. "Jack?"

"Shh!"

"For the love of mother and child, Jack, what's coming after us?"

"Nothing."

Apparently deciding there would be no getting any sense out of Jack, Gibbs shrugged and walked off. I went over to Jack. "Are you okay?"

"Nothing!" Jack jumped, then, realizing it was me, attempted to smile. "What? Yes, I'm fine."

"No you're not. Do you want a hug?"

"I'm fine!" Jack insisted.

I held out my arms. "I am soft and snuggly, and you are clearly wiggin' out," I wheedled. Without saying anything, he grudgingly leaned into the hug. I wobbled and staggered back-he was considerably taller and heavier than me. "Whoa there, big guy. Maybe we should sit down if you want to literally lean on me." I went and sat down on the stairs and he sat on the step just below, leaning on me with his head on my chest.

"You _are_ soft," he murmured. "I feel better already. I think it's being in such close proximity to your bosom. We'll just have to walk around like this."

"Yeah, okay," I said, laughing. "You'd end up being a hunchback if you tried."

"It'd be worth every crooked vertebrae, love."

"So. You're gonna tell me what happened that made you get all jumpy, right?" I said.

Jack sat up and turned to look at me. Ignoring what I asked, he said, "Had any...interesting dreams lately?"

That threw me off. How did he know? He couldn't know. Could he? My face felt hot. Damn it, why couldn't I have a conversation with the guy without blood rushing betrayingly into my stupid face? "Maybe. I don't know. Why?"

"I happened to be on my way to fetch another bottle of rum, and you were talking in your sleep. I caught a few mentions of yours truly," said Jack slyly.

"I don't talk in my sleep!" I protested. That wasn't quite true. People had told me that I did, sometimes. My mother sometimes joked that it was because I wasn't able to squeeze in quite enough chattering when I was awake, so I took it upon myself to do it in my sleep as well.

"You certainly do." He did an overly high-pitched imitation of me. "_Jack, oh, Jack_..."

"Stop trying to change the subject! I asked you a question."

"Oh, but it's much more fun to tease you. Look at you, you're all pink and flustered."

"I'm waiting for an answer, pal!"

Jack sighed. "All right. Some years ago, I made a deal with a...certain person, and now he wants his payment."

"What does he want?"

"Me. My soul."

"Jeez, Jack, what did you want that was worth your soul?"

"The Pearl," said Jack, as if it was obvious. Which I guess it kind of was. "So now Jones is sending his terrible hungry beastie after me and I'm in a world of trouble. There. Now you know."

"Jones?" I repeated. "Oh! Is he the guy with the..." I had difficulty coming up with the right word and put my hands on my face, wiggling my fingers under my chin. "The face?" I dimly recalled seeing a scary-looking squid guy on posters.

"That's the one."

"What are you going to do?" It was hard to imagine a way Jack could get out of this.

Jack looked quickly over both shoulders and then said in a low voice, "Not a word to the others, savvy?"

"What do you mean?" I whispered.

"I mean that I am after a very powerful and valuable object," Jack whispered back, "and I trust most of these bilge rats about as far as I could throw 'em."

"Got it. So what's the object?"

"A chest which contains Jones's heart."

"Seriously? Like, his actual heart?"

"His actual heart."

"Gross. Oh, so you're gonna use it to blackmail him? And the drawing of the key, it's the one that goes to the chest!"

"Precisely."

"So how are we going to find the key and the chest?" I asked. "Your compass?"

"Uh..." Jack glanced down at his compass. "My compass has been compromised."

"What do you mean, compromised?" I gave him a weird look. "It's right there."

"Yes, but it continues to point to something that is distinctly neither a key nor a chest."

"What's it pointing to, then?"

"That is irrelevant," said Jack.

"Oh, come on. Let me see." I snatched the compass off him.

"Hey!"

I grabbed his hand and placed the compass open in his palm. The arrow spun around once and came to rest pointing at me. I stared down at it, not daring to believe what I saw. "Jack-"

Looking alarmed, Jack tipped the compass back into my hands. The arrow immediately swung around to point at Jack, and Jack's expression softened. "That's interesting."

I forced a laugh. "Well. The cat's out of the bag now."

"Technically, the cat still remains inside the bag for as long as we pretend there is no cat and no bag," Jack countered.

"You want to pretend there isn't a cat or a bag?" I frowned. "No way, man. We've been beating around the bush for several months now. We gotta just have a feelings jam, you know, get it all out."

"A feelings jam?"

"A discussion of feelings."

"I'm not fond of discussing my feelings."

"Neither am I, but we're gonna do it, and that's final."

"All right. So. Feelings," he said.

"Yes. Feelings."

"Feelings."

"I can tell this is going to be a very productive conversation."

"I don't know what it is we need to talk about," said Jack, shrugging, "I thought it was pretty obvious how I feel about you. I worried it was a bit too obvious, actually."

"So did I! Oh my goodness. It was like you were giving me such mixed messages. One day you're kissing me, another day you're dangling me over the open ocean-"

"I gave you mixed messages? What about you? Kept saying things like-" Jack put on the high-pitched voice again. "'Oh, you're such a good friend, Jack! I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, friend friend friend friend friend...' Then I give you the violin and you're all over me!"

"It is possible to be friends with someone and want to kiss them at the same time, you know," I said.

"Not for long, in my experience," said Jack. "That's why I backed off. Plenty of salty wenches out there. Not many people I can call a friend."

"Well, stop backing off, because I like you in a friend way and in a kissing way and that's not gonna change anytime soon."

"Good. Me too."

"Good."

We were both smiling like idiots.

And then we made berth in Isla de Pelegostos and didn't have time to talk anymore. Dawn had just started to break, and the sky was awash with pink and orange and purple. Climbing down was sort of tricky-it was a long way between the deck and the sand of the beach we'd landed on-but somehow all of us managed. Jack lead the way up the shore toward the jungle.

Soon the Pelegostos had us surrounded. Some of the crew they killed immediately. The rest of us they were tying to long sticks for easy carrying. When they saw Jack, though, they got all excited. "Latazo!" they cried. "Latazo, latazo! Needobeni!"

Jack forced a big smile and spread his arms. "Hello, my children!"

"Akemay neerpa. Garaypo retaylay," said one of the Pelegostos, gesturing to everyone who wasn't Jack.

"Yes, yes, akemay neerpa," Jack said, clearly having no idea what they had said.

"Akemay neerpa!" the whole group roared. "Akemay neerpa!" They started carrying people away on the sticks. Someone grabbed me and started tying me up. _Stay calm_, I told myself, _we'll get out of this..._

"No, no," Jack said, waving his hands, "lami ayats."

"Gardaypo retaylay," the person said.

"Gardaypo retaylay here with the chief, savvy?"

They started carrying me off as well. Blood rushed to my head as I hung upside down, and I felt a little dizzy. Behind me, I heard Jack yell, "No lami raynwee! You hear me? No lami raynwee!"

* * *

"Why would he do this to us?" Will asked Gibbs. "If Jack is their chief."

Will, Gibbs, Cotton, Marty, and I were all locked in a bone cage, suspended above a ravine by a single vine. The rest of the crew-what was left, anyhow-was in another cage.

"Aye, the Pelegostos made Jack their chief," said Gibbs, "but he only remains chief as long as he _acts_ like a chief."

"So he had no choice. He's a captive as much as the rest of us."

"Worse, as it turns out," said Gibbs. "See, the Pelegostos believe that Jack is a god in human form, and they intend to do him the honor of releasing him from his fleshy prison."

To illustrate, Cotton grabbed Gibbs's hand and bit him. "Argh!"

I snickered. Gibbs snatched back his hand, glaring at us both. "They'll roast him and eat him."

"Where's the rest of the crew?" asked Will.

"You're looking at 'em," I said grimly.

"These cages we're in weren't built 'til _after_ we got here," Gibbs added, just in case Will didn't get it. Will quickly removed his hands from the bars. "The feast is about to begin. Jack's life will end...when the drums stop."

"No! No it won't!" I cried. "We have to do something."

"She's right," said Will. "We can't just sit here and wait then, can we?"

Within moments, we were swinging our cages back and forth like a giant yo-yo, trying to grab onto the side of the cliff. Finally, we got a good grip on the vines.

"Put your legs through, start to climb!" Gibbs ordered.

"Come on, men! It'll take all of us - er, the rest of us - to crew the Black Pearl!" Will urged us as we climbed.

"Actually, we won't need everyone," said Leech. "'Bout six would do." He realized what he said. "Ohh, dear."

Each cage started racing the other to the top. "Hurry!" Will yelled. "Come on!"

"Whoo! We're doing good! Let's keep it up!" I cheered us on, trying for a more positive light.

"Go! Go! Go!" Will yelled. "Come on! Give it all you got!"

Suddenly, we spotted a cannibal coming across the bridge.

"Stop! Stop! Stop! Shh!" Will hissed.

"_You_ shh," I hissed back.

Will, Gibbs, Cotton, Marty and I all froze, silent. The men in the other cage, however, decided to risk climbing. Leech grabbed a snake by mistake and, screaming, all of them fell into the ravine. We didn't waste any time grieving. "Move!" Will yelled. Finally, we reached the top of the cliff.

"Cut it loose! Find a rock!" Will grabbed one and smashed it against the cable, successfully cutting it. We couldn't, however, break open the cage before the cannibals swarmed. "Roll the cage!"

And so it started to roll at a breakneck speed, down a hill and over the edge of a very small cliff. Unable to resist the opportunity to both quote a movie and act like a total goof ball, I wailed, "We're gonna die! We're gonna die! I'm gonna throw up, and then we're gonna die!" The cage kept rolling, down another hill and up the trunk of a palm tree before crashing down, unbroken.

"Lift the cage! Hurry!" Will yelled.

"Come on, men! Lift it like a lady's skirt!" Gibbs added.

"Pervert!" I yelled, lifting the cage and running with everyone else. Poor Marty couldn't even reach the ground, his legs moving uselessly back and forth. The cage rolled into a river and finally cracked open. The cannibals shot arrows and threw spears, but we dodged them and swam away.

"This way, lads! Pull loose-unloose the mooring lines! The mooring lines!" Gibbs yelled as we all ran toward the Pearl and climbed aboard. "Excellent work!" he said to Pintel and Ragetti. Where the hell had _they_ come from? "Work's half done!"

"We done it for you! Knowin' you'd be comin' back for us," Pintel schmoozed.

"What about Jack?" said Will. "I won't leave without him."

"Neither will I!" I added loyally.

"Oy!" Jack appeared on the opposite end of the beach, running as fast as he could in that silly, arm-flailing way of his. I giggled. Close behind were the cannibals, yelling and brandishing spears.

Will quickly changed his tune. "Time to go!"

"What? No!"

"Cast off those lines!"

Meanwhile, Jack was screaming, still running down the beach. He managed to grab ahold of the rigging on the side of the ship. "Alas, my children!" he called back to the cannibals. "This is the day you shall always remember as the day that you almost-" At this point, a big wave splashed him from behind, cutting him off. Sputtering out a bit of water, he finished lamely, "Captain Jack...Sparrow."

"Jack!" I leaned over the rail and helped him aboard. "Are you okay?"

"Could be better."

I kissed him on the cheek.

"I could be..._more_ better."

"Let's put some distance between us and this island, and head out to the open sea," Gibbs suggested.

"Yes to the first, yes to the second, but only insofar as we keep to the shallows as much as possible."

"Uh, that seems a bit contradictory, Captain."

"I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigational skills, Mr. Gibbs," said Jack. He turned back to me. "Now, where were we?"

"Jack," said Will.

"Ah." Jack did not seem pleased to see Will.

"Elizabeth is in danger."

"Have you considered keeping a more watchful eye on her? Maybe just lock her up somewhere."

"She _is_ locked up," said Will furiously, "in a prison, bound to hang for helping you and Bailey!"

"Oh no!" I said. "Jack, we gotta help them."

"No we don't. There comes a time when one must take responsibility for one's mistakes."

Will pulled a sword from someone's belt and pointed it at Jack. "I need that compass of yours, Jack. I must trade it for her freedom."

Almost lazily, Jack pushed the sword away. "Mr. Gibbs!"

"Cap'n."

"We have a need to travel upriver."

"By 'need,' d'you mean a...a _trifling_ need, a _fleeting_...as in, say, in a passing fancy?"

"No, a resolute and unyielding _need_."

"What we need to do is make sail for Port Royal with all haste," Will declared.

"William," said Jack, returning his attention to Will, "I shall trade you the compass... if you help me find this." He held out the drawing of the key.

Will peered at it. "You want me to find this?"

"No, you want you to find this," Jack corrected. "Because the finding of this finds you incapacitorially finding and/or locating and discovering the detecting of a way to save your dolly belle, ol'...what's-her-face. Savvy?"

It took a minute for Will to figure it out. "This...is going to save Elizabeth?" he said slowly.

Jack peered into his face, as if trying to figure out if Will was stupid enough to believe this. "How much do you know about Davy Jones?"

"Not much."

"Yeah, it's gonna save Elizabeth."

Yep. He was stupid enough.

* * *

**A/N: All of the Umshoko (the language the Peleogostos speak) is totally made up, except for "latazo," which apparently is canonically the word used for "chief." Also "lam" is the word for "he/him" in canon, so I tried to turn it into a female pronoun by adding an i at the end. **

**Hopefully you could get the gist of what was going on from context, but if you were wondering:**

**_needobeni_**** - welcome**  
**_akemay neerpa_**** - make cage**  
**_gardaypo retaylay_**** - save for later**  
**_lami ayats_**** - she stays**  
**_no lami raynwee_**** - don't hurt her**


	3. Tia Dalma and Davy Jones

Having gone as far as we could in the _Pearl_, we continued upriver in rowboats.

"Why is Jack afraid of the open ocean?" Will asked Gibbs.

"Well, if you believe such things, there's a beast does the bidding of Davy Jones. A fearsome creature with giant tentacles that suction your face clean off and drag an entire ship past the crushing depths. The Kraken!"

Marty turned around at the mention of it, and Pintel and Ragetti exchanged glances.

"Suction your face..._off_?" I said, incredulous and fearful at once.

"Aye. They say the stench of its breath is like-_ooh_!" Gibbs shuddered.

"Worse than Jack's?" I suggested, which got a smile out of Will.

"Imagine: the last thing you know on God's green earth is the roar of the Kraken, and the reeking odor of a thousand rotting corpses." Gibbs paused. "If you believe such things."

"And the key will spare him that?" Will said.

"Now, that's the very question Jack wants answered," said Gibbs. "Bad enough even to go visit...her."

"Her?"

"Aye."

As we went up the bayou, the trees became thicker and the water became swampier. Fireflies fluttered about in the dim light. It looked like there were people standing silently in the shadows of the trees, watching us.

"Creepy," I said.

"No worries, mates," said Jack. "Tia Dalma and I go way back. Thick as thieves. Nigh inseparable, we are. Were. Have been. Before."

"I'll watch your back," said Gibbs.

"It's me front I'm worried about. Mind the boat."

"Mind the boat," Gibbs told Will.

"Mind the boat," Will told me.

"Mind the boat," I told Pintel.

"Mind the boat," Pintel told Marty.

"Mind the boat," Marty told Cotton.

"Awk! Mind the boat!" Cotton's parrot squawked. He flapped his wings and took off, leaving Cotton sitting in the boat.

Slowly, Jack pushed open the door and went in. We followed him. A woman in a tattered dress with long locked hair was sitting at a table inside the shack. She looked up when she saw Jack. "Jack Sparrow!" Her voice sounded oddly familiar.

"Tia Dalma!"

She smiled, revealing blackish teeth. "I always know the wind was goin' to blow ye back to me one day." Then she spotted Will. "You! You have a touch of destiny about you...William Turner."

Where had I heard that phrase before?

"You know me?" Will asked.

"You want to know me," she said.

"There'll be no knowing here," Jack said quickly. "We've come for help and we're not leaving without it." In an undertone, he added, "I thought _I_ knew you."

I started to suspect that "knowing" was a euphemism for something and I didn't like it.

"Not so well as I had hoped," said Tia. "Come."

"Come," said Jack to us.

Tia sat down at her table. "What..._service_...may I do you? Hmm? You know I demand payment."

"We brought payment. Look!" Jack the monkey was produced, trapped in a cage. Jack the human cocked his pistol and shot it. Nothing happened, other than the monkey making a bunch of noise. "An undead monkey. Top that."

Tia opened the latch of the cage, letting the monkey out. It scampered off into one of the back rooms. Gibbs flinched. "No! You've no idea how long it took us to catch that."

"'_Us_'?_ I_ did the brunt of it," I protested. "I should get promoted. Ship's Musican-Slash-Animal Rangler."

"The payment is fair," Tia declared.

Jack showed her the drawing of the key. "We're looking for this. And what it goes to."

"De compass you bartered from me. It cannot lead you to dis?"

"Maybe. Why?"

"Ayeeee," Tia Dalma said, smiling gleefully. "Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants! Or... do know, but are loathe to claim it as your own. Your key go to a chest, and it is what inside the chest you seek, don't it?"

"What is inside?" Gibbs asked.

"Gold! Jewels? Unclaimed properties of a valuable nature?" Pintel suggested excitedly.

"Nothing...bad, I hope," Ragetti said, looking uneasily at a jar of eyeballs hanging next to his head.

"You know of...Davy Jones, yes?" said Tia Dalma. "A man of de sea. A great sailor, until he ran afoul of dat which vex all men."

"What vexes all men?" Will asked.

Tia smiled and laid a hand on top of Will's. "What, indeed."

"The sea?" said Gibbs.

"Sums!" said Pintel.

"Dichotomy of good and evil," said Ragetti.

Jack rolled his eyes. "A _woman_."

"Wait, that can't possibly be true. What about men who like other men? And, you know, guys who don't act like women are mysterious alien creatures?"

I was ignored.

"A _woman_," Tia confirmed. "He fell in love."

"No, no, no, no," Gibbs said, ever the stickler about his sea lore, "I heard it was the _sea_ he fell in love with."

"Same story, different versions, and all are true!" Tia snapped, which shut him up. "See, it was a woman as changing and harsh and untameable as the sea. Him never stopped loving her. But the pain it cause 'im was too much to live with. But not enough to cause him to die."

"What," said Will slowly, "exactly did he put into the chest?"

Tia laid her palm on her own chest. "Him heart."

"Literally," said Ragetti, "or figuratively?"

"He couldn't li'erally put 'is heart in a chest!" Pintel paused. "Could he?"

"It was not wort' feeling what...small, fleeting joy life brings, and so...he carved out him heart, and hide de chest from de world. De keys, he keep wid him at all times."

Will looked accusingly at Jack. "You knew this."

Jack looked mildly offended. "I did not. I didn't know where the key was. But now we do. So all that's left is to climb aboard the _Dutchman_, grab the key, you go back to Port Royal and save your bonny lass, eh?"

"Let me see ya' hand," Tia Dalma instructed. At first, Jack started to offer his good hand, and then grudgingly showed the left one. Tia unwrapped the bandage, revealing the Black Spot.

Gibbs jumped. "Uh! The Black Spot!" He wiped his hands on his chest, then turned around in a circle and spat. Pintel and Ragetti followed suit.

"My eyesight's good as ever, just so you know," Jack told them. I realized he was talking about the myth that says you'll go blind if you masturbate too much, and I had to choke back a laugh. Meanwhile, Tia Dalma went through a door of beads into her back room. Jack seized the opportunity to snatch a ring off of Tia's table. To his credit, he took off one of his one rings and put it in the stolen ring's place, but after a moment of thought he took that ring back too.

Tia came back holding the famous jar of dirt. "Davy Jones cannot make port. Cannot step on land but once every ten years. Land is where you are safe, Jack Sparrow. And so you will carry land wid you..." She handed the dirt to him.

Jack stared at it. "Dirt. This is a jar of dirt."

Tia nodded. "Yes."

"Is the...jar of dirt going to help?"

She gave him a cross look. "If you don' want it, give it back."

Jack hugged his dirt protectively, almost childishly. Even if something was entirely useless, he was far too possessive to give up something once it was his. I felt a sort of wave of appreciation for him. "No."

Tia smiled. "Den it helps."

"It seems," said Will slowly, "we have a need to find the _Flying Dutchman_."

Tia sat down at her little table and scooped up a pile of crab claws. "A touch...of _destiny_!"

Suddenly it came to me, why she sounded so familiar. It was _her! _She was the voice that I'd heard in my ear the day I mysteriously got sucked into this world. But. How? Why?

I didn't have any time to ask, because we immediately left Tia's house in pursuit of the _Dutchman_. I'd have to puzzle it out on my own.

In almost no time at all, it seemed, we were within sight of the _Flying Dutchman_. I was shivering-mostly because it was pouring rain, but a little bit out of fear. Luckily, no one seemed to notice the fear on account of all the rain.

"That's the _Flying Dutchman_?" Will said skeptically. "She doesn't look like much."

"Neither do you," Jack replied. "Do not underestimate her." He elbowed Gibbs.

"Must've run afoul of the reef."

"So what's your plan, then?" said Jack.

"I row over, search the ship until I find your bloody key."

"And if there are crewmen?"

"I cut down anyone in my path."

Jack nodded. "I like it. Simple, easy to remember."

"Your chariot awaits you, sire!" Ragetti called, clinging to the rigging on the side of the ship as the longboat was lowered into the water and laughing like a hyena.

"Hey!" Jack yelled, as Will got into the boat and started rowing away. "If you do happen to get captured, just say Jack Sparrow sent you to settle his debt! Might save your life!"

"Bon voyage!" Ragetti was still laughing.

"Douse the lamps," Jack instructed. Marty doused one, then Cotton, and then Pintel.

Jack pulled out his spyglass and peered through it at the _Flying Dutchman_. Almost instantly, Davy Jones spotted him, and appeared on the ship along with several members of his crew. I gasped, finding myself with a knife to my throat along with Cotton, Gibbs, and Pintel. To make matters worse, everything smelled like rotten fish now.

"Oh," said Jack.

"You have a debt to pay. You've been captain of the Black Pearl for thirteen years. That was our agreement."

"Technically, I was only captain for two years. Then I was viciously mutinied upon," Jack was quick to point out.

"Then you were a poor captain, but a _captain_ nonetheless!" Davy snarled. "Have you not introduced yourself all these years as _Captain_ Jack Sparrow?"

"You have my payment," said Jack. "One soul to serve on your ship is already over there."

"One soul is not equal to another."

"Aha!" Jack grinned. "So we've established my proposal is sound in principal, now we're just haggling over price."

"_Price_! Pttt." Davy made a weird farting noise with his mouth.

"Just how many souls do you think my soul is worth?"

"One hundred souls, three days-uh."

"You're a diamond, mate. Send me back the boy. I'll get started right off." Jack moved to leave, but one of Davy's crewmen blocked the path.

"I keep the boy," said Davy. "A good faith payment. That leaves only ninety-nine more to go." He laughed darkly.

"Have you not met Will Turner? He's noble, heroic, terrific soprano. Worth at least four. Maybe three and a half. And did I happen to mention...he's in love. With a girl. Due to be married. Betrothed." I saw that something akin to empathy slowly present itself on Davy's tentacle-y face. It was subtle, but it was there. "Dividing him from her and her from him...would only be half as cruel as actually allowing them to be joined in holy matrimony, aye?"

That reminded me. Where _was_ Elizabeth? Surely she wasn't content to sit and wait while Will went off.

Davy Jones was silent for a moment."I keep the boy," he said. "Ninety-nine souls-uh. But I wonder, Sparrow, can you live with this? Can you condemn an innocent man-a friend-to a lifetime of servitude in your name while you roam free?"

"Yep! I'm good with it," said Jack cheerfully. "Should we seal it in blood? Mmm-mmm-ink?"

Davy Jones grabbed Jack's hand, resulting in a weird little squishy sound. Jack gasped in pain.

"Three days," Davy repeated. "Three days." He released Jack's hand, and he and his crewmen disappeared.

"Oh, Mr. Gibbs!" Jack called.

"Aye."

"Uh, I feel sullied and unusual."

"And how do you intend to harvest these ninety-nine souls in three days?"

"Fortunately, he was mum as to the condition in which these souls need be," said Jack.

"Ahh...Tortuga!"

Ugh. Tortuga.


	4. Tortuga

First dead fish people, now Tortuga. Today wasn't a very good day, smell-wise. And that's coming from someone whose nose is perpetually lined with stinky rosin dust.

The three of us-Gibbs, Jack, and I-were sitting off to the side of a noisy, crowded tavern. Jack sat against the wall, trying to make his compass work. Gibbs was behind a small, desklike table, running the sign-up sheet. I sat at a table behind them, having been instructed by Jack to "stay put, be quiet...basically act nothing like yourself for as long as you can manage, savvy?" It was very boring. I wondered if trying out my new violin would qualify as "being quiet."

An elderly man hobbled up.

"And what makes you think you're worthy to crew the Black Pearl?" said Gibbs.

"Truth be told," the old man rasped, "I never sailed a day in me life. I figure I should get out and see the world while I'm still young."

"You'll do. Make your mark. Next!"

A very, very drunk man staggered up. "My wife ran off with my dog, I'm drunk for a month, and I don't give an ass rat's whether I live or die."

"Perfect! Next."

"Me have only one arm 'n' a bum leg."

"It's the crow's nest for you. Next!"

"Ever since I was a little lad, I've always wanted to sail the seas. Forever."

"Sooner than you think. Sign the roster."

"Thanks very much."

"How we going?" Jack asked.

"Including those four? That gives us...four!" Gibbs turned back to the next person in line. "And what's your story?" I pushed back my hat a little and gaped. It was none other than Norrington. But now his clothes were battered, his wig was frizzy, and his face was dirty and beardy.

"My story? It's exactly the same as your story, just one chapter behind. I chased a man across the Seven Seas. The pursuit cost me my crew, my commission, and my life."

"Commodore?"

"No, weren't you listening?" Norrington demanded. "I nearly had you all off Tripoli. I would have, if not for...the hurricane."

"Lord." Gibbs's eyes widened in sympathy. "You didn't try to sail through it?"

"So do I make your crew, or not? You haven't said where you're going. Somewhere nice?" The last word came out as a grunt as Norrington shoved the table over. The music that someone had been playing stopped, and everyone turned to stare at us.

"Whoa," I said, staring at the overturned table. "He's got issues." Jack grabbed a plant from a vase and held it in front of his face; with his free hand, he grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me along as he attempted to escape.

"So am I _worthy_ to serve under Captain Jack Sparrow?" Norrington sneered, pointing his pistol at Jack. "Or should I just kill you now?"

Slowly, I removed my wrist from Jack's hand, putting a finger to my lips. I snuck around behind Norrington. He was too drunk to notice.

"You're hired," said Jack to Norrington, but his eyes were on me, smiling ever so slightly.

"Sorry. Old habits and all that," said Norrington.

Just before he could pull the trigger, I grabbed Norrington by the elbows and pulled. Under normal circumstances, I would barely have been able to make him budge an inch, but with him being both drunk as a skunk and taken by surprise, he staggered backward, the pistol shooting harmlessly at the ceiling. I managed to dive out of the way before he fell on me, and I landed the dive with an only slightly clumsy somersault. For a moment I just froze in that cool kneeling spy position, realizing what a long way I'd come from the daydreaming girl who barely knew port from starboard to the totally badass pirate I'd always dreamed of being. Meanwhile, the ball from Norrington's pistol ricocheted off the chandelier and broke a man's bottle as he was drinking from it. He conked his neighbor over the head with the remaining glass and almost instantly an enormous fight broke out.

"Time to go!" said Jack quickly, striding over and pulling me to my feet.

"Aye!" Gibbs sat up, having been lying on his back since Norrington tipped the table over. Poor guy. If I hadn't been busy trying to be all badass I would have helped him up myself.

The three of us maneuvered through the crowds of brawling pirates, Jack trading hats with a few of them along the way. Ultimately Jack decided no hat at all was better than having a hat that looked stupid, so he plopped it down on the head of a man about to be thrown over the edge of a railing. "Carry on, heave," Jack encouraged the two men that were holding the guy as we continued on.

* * *

We'd begun the process of loading up the Pearl with supplies when I noticed a couple of shifty-looking guys lingering at the edge of the docks. Boys, really-neither of them looked much older than fourteen or fifteen, all scrawny and gawky. One of them had freckles all over his face and the other had a big crooked nose like a hawk's beak. They were holding a burlap sack, each of them trying to shove it at the other.

"You do it!" said Freckles.

"No, you!" said Beaknose.

"It don't sit right with me. You got to."

"What are you, a baby?"

"You're the baby!"

"All right, gimme the bleedin' thing, I'll do it!" Beaknose grumbled. "I ain't no baby." He snatched the bag and made to throw it in the water. I realized with horror that the bag was squirming. And...was that meowing I heard?

"Stop!" I cried, running over. Beaknose paused.

"Oy, mind your own business. We got orders from our captain," he sneered.

"Don't hurt that cat!"

"We're not."

"Oh, right," I said scornfully, "I'm sure you were just trying to give it a bath. Inside a bag that's tied shut." I glared at them and turned away as if I was going to leave. Then, quick as...well, a cat, I turned back, snatched the bag, and ran back towards the Pearl.

I opened the sack. A tiny kitten with black and grey tiger stripes and big bluish-green eyes poked her head out and gave a pitiful squeal. "Aww, you're so precious! Oh my goodness! You're just a lil' baby." I picked her up out of the bag and scratched her behind the ears. She purred and rubbed her head against my hand. "I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you, don't you worry," I cooed. The cat wriggled out of my hands and climbed up on top of my head.

"'Ey, look," Pintel said Ragetti, pointing, "that cat's got a poppet unner it." They chortled.

"Isn't she cute?" I said, picking her up off my head and holding her out for them to see. They both reached out to pet her. The kitten nipped Pintel's finger and he pulled back, yelping, which made Ragetti giggle. Pintel smacked him. At that moment, Jack walked by, and then he did a double-take and backed up.

"Where did you find that?"

"In a bag. An actual cat in a bag, isn't that funny?" I said. "I rescued her."

"You'd better hurry up and find a home for it elsewhere, because it is _not_ coming on my ship," said Jack.

"Aw, Jack! C'mon!" I held up the cat in front of my face and pretended she was the one talking. "Pleeease, Cap'n! I'm so cute and fluffy, and I can help keep rats away!"

"A rat could eat you," Jack told the cat, "and it wouldn't even get full."

"'S good luck, havin' a cat aboard," Gibbs said, coming down the Pearl's ramp.

"Pretty please?" I asked Jack, batting my eyes at him.

"Oh all right," Jack huffed. "First a parrot, then the monkey, now a cat...turning into a bloody menagerie." He turned to walk up onto the Pearl when Elizabeth came along.

"Captain Sparrow!" she called.

About to walk aboard the ship, Jack paused.

"Come to join me crew, lad? Welcome aboard!"

"I'm here to find the man I love."

An expression of discomfort crossed Jack's face, and he made a motion to Gibbs as if suggesting to dump the speaker over the side. "Deeply flattered, son, but my first and only love is the sea."

I cuddled the cat and tried to ignore the twisty feeling in my stomach at Jack's words. It didn't help that Norrington chose that moment to vomit over the side.

"Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow," Elizabeth specified.

Jack's expression turned to one of slight panic. "Elizabeth. Hide the rum," he told Gibbs, who nodded and went off to do so. Turning around, Jack smiled at Elizabeth. "You know, these clothes do not flatter you at all," he said, gesturing to her rough-and-tumble-y boy clothes. "It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin."

"I know Will came to find you," she said to Jack. "Where is he?"

"Darling, I am truly unhappy to have to tell you this, but," Jack began, "through an unfortunate and entirely unforeseeable series of circumstances that have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me, poor William has been press-ganged into Davy Jones's crew."

"Davy Jones?" Elizabeth repeated.

Norrington vomited over the side again and then spat. "Oh, please. The captain of the Flying Dutchman?"

"You look bloody awful," said Jack, frowning. "What are you doing here?"

"You hired me," Norrington retorted. "I can't help it if your standards are lax."

Jack made a face at him. "You smell funny."

"Um, hello, kettle? This is pot. You're black," I said. Jack made the same face he'd made at Norrington at me. Displaying oodles of maturity, I made a face back at him, sticking my tongue out and wrinkling my nose. Jack responded by scrunching his mouth up and over to one side and crossing his eyes. This probably would have gone on for hours if not for Elizabeth.

"Jack," Elizabeth said, once again trying to rein in his rather short attention span. "All I want is to find Will."

"Are you certain? Is that what you really want?"

"Of course."

"Because I would think that you'd want a way to save Will most."

"And you have a way of doing that?"

"Well, there is a chest..."

"Oh, dear." Norrington rolled his eyes.

Overhearing the conversation as they passed by with a crate full of rum, Pintel and Ragetti joined in. "What contains the still-beatin' heart of Davy Jones!" Pintel said, finishing Jack's sentence.

Ragetti pretended it was sitting right there in his hand. "_Unh-unh...unh-unh...unh-unh_..."

"And whoever possesses that chest possesses the leverage to command Jones to do whatever it is that he or she wants," said Jack, "including saving dear William."

"You don't actually believe them, do you?" said Norrington incredulously.

"How do we find it?" said Elizabeth.

"With this." Jack pulled out his compass. "My compass...is unique."

"'Unique' here having the meaning of 'broken,'" said Norrington.

"True enough," Jack agreed. "This compass does not point north."

Norrington vomited over the side again. I glanced at him. "Okay, precisely how many _tons_ of rum have you consumed in the past twenty-four hours?"

"Where does it point?"

"It points to the thing you want most in this world."

"Oh, Jack," said Elizabeth, smiling. "Are you telling the truth?"

"Every word, love. And what you want most in this world is to find the chest of Davy Jones, is it not?" he asked Elizabeth.

"To save Will?" said Elizabeth, frowning.

"By finding the chest of Davy Jones," Jack repeated.

He put the compass in Elizabeth's hands and then drew away quickly, as if getting too close would scare off the heading. The arrow pointed clearly in one direction. Slowly, Jack rose, peering at the face of the compass. "Mr. Gibbs!"

"Cap'n."

"We have our heading."

"Finally! Cast off those lines, weigh anchor, and prow that canvas!"

Meanwhile, Pintel dumped a goat into Norrington's arms. "Welcome to the crew, former Commodore!" He snickered. The goat neighed.

* * *

**A/N: If anyone's interested, there is now a blog on tumblr dedicated to this series of stories, in which I've been posting a whole bunch of stuff like music that's been mentioned and drawings of mine. There's a link on my profile. Check it out!**


	5. Master ofOpportune Moments Strikes Again

"Jack, you've seen a lot of weird stuff," I started.

"A promising way to start any conversation," Jack butted in. "What about the weird things I've seen?"

"Well, you know my cat? I decided to name her Gráinne-"

"Oh, like Gráinne O'Malley? Very piratey, I approve."

"Yes, but that's not the point. I am about 150% sure that she did not have a collar when I found her, and yet-" I held up the cat, showing Jack the collar that was now around her neck. "It even has a tag with her name on it. Her name that I just gave her like half an hour ago."

"That _is_ strange," Jack remarked, looking at the collar.

"It has a little picture of a cat on the back, too. It's adorable."

Jack looked at the back of the tag. "That's not a cat."

"Huh?"

"It's a crab. Same as the one on that ring of yours, look." He pointed at the tag, then at the silvery ring I had on one hand.

Grainne was squirming and whining, so I let her go. "A crab? That's so weird. Why a crab?"

"A good question." He looked at me suspiciously. "Are you _sure_ you never met Tia Dalma before the other day?"

"Yes, I never met her. I think I heard her voice in my head once though," I said.

He stared. "Care to elaborate?"

I shook my head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"You might be surprised. My suspension of disbelief's probably grown strong enough to move mountains."

But I was spared having to recount the very bizarre manner in which I had entered this world, because Liz started telling us about the legal troubles she and Will had recently encountered. They were convicted of helping pirates (that'd be me and Jack) escape execution, the punishment for which was also execution. However, the one pressing the charges, some guy named Beckett, had bargained with Will: if Will brought him the compass, he, Liz, and Jack would all be pardoned.

But not me, apparently. I didn't ask, because I didn't really want to know, but Liz hadn't mentioned anything about me getting pardoned. Figures. I'm not important enough.

"Beckett!" Gibbs said, sounding as if it tasted bad to have the name come out of his mouth.

"Yes," said Liz, "they're signed, Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company."

"Agh," Jack said, sticking his tongue out and making a face.

"Will was working for Beckett and never said a word," said Gibbs.

"Agh," Jack said again.

"Who's this Beckett guy?"

"He's more trouble for us, darling, that's what he is," Jack told me. "Capital M, capital T."

"Beckett wants that compass," said Gibbs. "Only one reason for that."

"Of course. He wants the chest."

"Yes, he did say something about a chest..." said Liz thoughtfully.

"If the company controls the _chest_, they controls the _sea_," said Gibbs.

"A truly discomforting notion, loves."

"And bad. Bad for every mother's son what calls himself a pirate. I think there's a bit more speed to be coaxed from these sails. Brace the foreyard!" Gibbs said, shouting the last bit as an order to the crew as he walked off.

"Might I inquire as to how you came by these?" Jack asked Liz.

"Witchcraft and lizardry," I guessed, laughing at my own pun.

"Persuasion," said Liz.

"So, lizardry."

"Would you stop calling me a lizard?" Liz snapped, glaring at me. Jack looked amused.

"Nah."

"So, persuasion, you say," Jack said to Liz. "Friendly?"

"Decidedly not," said Liz, wrinkling her nose.

"Will strikes a deal for these and upholds it with honor. Yet you're the one standing here with the prize." Jack looked at one of the letters, reading from it. "'Full pardon, commission as a privateer on the behalf of England and the East India Trading Company.' As if I could be bought for such a low price." He tucked the letters into his coat and started to walk away from Elizabeth, who went after him.

"Jack, the letters, give them back."

"No. _Persuade_ me."

Liz leaned in close to speak in Jack's ear. I couldn't quite hear what she said, but I wasn't liking how little space there was between Liz and Jack. I wasn't liking it at all.

"As I said," Jack said to Liz, "persuade me."

Liz walked off, looking frustrated. I wasn't feeling too happy either, but for different reasons. Sitting there watching them, I felt sick to my stomach.

Jack had said he liked me. I guess he'd never said he liked only me, nor was there any sort of commitment on either of our parts. It was my fault for overestimating how much I mattered, and underestimating what a horndog Jack was.

Trying to rationalize things didn't make me feel any less rotten.

Grainne trotted up and jumped in my lap, purring. It was as if she knew how I was feeling and was saying, _aw, you matter to me!_

As I pet Grainne, I kept thinking. Even if there wasn't any sort of commitment, surely Jack knew what he was trying to do with Elizabeth would hurt my feelings. The jerk. Grainne wriggled out of my arms and scrabbled up to sit on my shoulder, as if she thought she was a parrot. I started coming up with a plan.

* * *

Elizabeth was sitting on the stairs staring forlornly into space. Jack plopped down next to her. "My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled."

"I just thought I'd be married by now," said Elizabeth sadly. "I'm so ready to be married." Jack wasn't entirely sure how to offer advice on that matter, so in place of advice he handed her the bottle of rum. She drank from it.

"You know, Lizzie," said Jack slowly, "I _am_ captain of a ship. And being captain of a ship, I could in fact perform a..._marr-i-age_. Right here. Right on this deck." He leaned a bit closer. "Right..._now_."

Elizabeth recoiled at the last word and handed the bottle of rum back. "No, thank you," she said with a grimace, getting up and walking away. Jack followed her.

"Why not? We are very much alike, you and I. I and you. _Us_."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Oh, except for a sense of honor, and decency, and-and a moral center. And personal hygiene."

Jack sniffed his armpit. He didn't smell that bad, did he? "Trifles. You will come over to my side, I know it."

"You seem very certain."

"One word, love: curiosity. You long for freedom. You long to do what you want to do because you want it. To act on selfish impulse. You want to see what it's like. One day, you won't be able to resist."

"Why doesn't your compass work?" asked Elizabeth suddenly.

"My compass works fine."

"Because you and I are alike, and there will come a moment when you have a chance to show it. To do the right thing."

Jack smiled. "I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by." He turned toward the railing and waved to demonstrate. Elizabeth leaned on the railing.

"You'll have the chance to do something..." She drummed her hands on the railing. "Something courageous. And when you do, you'll discover something: that you're a good man."

"All evidence to the contrary," said Jack.

"Oh, I have faith in you. Want to know why?"

"Do tell, dearie."

Elizabeth leaned in towards him so that they were only separated by inches. Mere, torturous inches. "Curiosity. You're going to want it. A chance to-" And then, with a squishy splat, a bunch of rotting fish heads landed on both of their heads. Elizabeth let out a small scream and Jack yelped.

Jack looked up. Bailey was sitting on a spar directly above them, holding an empty bucket. Her eyes looked hard and glassy, her mouth pressed into a thin line. As soon as she saw him looking, she tossed the bucket aside and jumped off the spar, sliding back down to the deck on a rope and then running below deck.

"She's being spectacularly childish," Elizabeth said scornfully, trying to pick fish heads out of her hair.

Horrorstruck, Jack watched as the black spot boiled back into existence on his hand.

"Land ho!" Mr. Gibbs yelled.

"I want my jar of dirt," Jack muttered. He went down below to retrieve it and ran into Bailey. Her face was blotchy red and she had tears running down her face. She hadn't looked this upset since her old violin got smashed. And now he was the one that made her upset. He felt like a slug. "Love-"

"I have a name, you know," she snapped, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "And I'm not talking to you. There's nothing to talk about! You do whoever you want. I mean, whatever you want. I don't care."

"You don't care, and I'm a sea turtle," Jack scoffed.

"I wish I didn't! You don't care about me!"

"Is that what you think?"

"I know it! Because you say nice things to me but then you go and you're all over Elizabeth and-"

"You've got nothing to worry about there," Jack said, flapping his hands dismissively.

"Uh, yeah, other than she's so pretty that it's practically become a freaking title. '_Beautiful_ Elizabeth Swann'. Everybody wants a piece of that."

"True," Jack admitted, "but she doesn't hold a candle to you. You, I- What about the compass? Couldn't fake that even if I wanted to."

"'Want' is such a vague word, though," Bailey said. "How do I know it's not 'want' as in 'you wanted me the most one minute, then Liz the next, then some other girl after that'?"

He brushed his hand against her cheek, wiping some of the tears with his thumb. "Allow me to clear things up, then. In your case, it is 'want' in every possible meaning of the word. Romantically...physically...as a friend and a cohort. Not Elizabeth, not anybody else. _You_."

She looked utterly unconvinced. "If that's the case, why were you all over her? And if you say 'master of opportune moments' again I swear I'll feed you to the cat."

"I'm Capt-" Jack started to say, but Bailey interrupted him.

"Oh for the love of-not that one, either. It's forbidden. I am decreeing it."

"You're sounding awfully bossy for someone who hasn't even returned my most honest and sincere declaration of affections," Jack said.

"And who says I'm going to? You haven't apologized for acting like a jerk and making me cry. In front of people! You made me cry in front of _people_. That is my _least_ favorite form of crying."

"A thousand apologies, oh sun in my sky, wind in my sails, lighthouse of my life-" He saw that she wasn't amused and he became serious. "I'm sorry. I really am. I'm a loathsome, vile, slimy cad."

"Go on," Bailey prodded, looking like she might smile.

"Deceitful and weaselly. A reprehensible scoundrel."

"Positively pestiferous," said Bailey, her hands brushing against the front of his vest.

"Indubitably," Jack agreed, and kissed her softly on the mouth, and then on both her cheeks where crying had made them red and puffy.

"Shouldn't we be leaving to find the chest?" she murmured.

"In a moment." He kissed her again. She pulled away from him (with what looked like a good deal of effort, he was pleased to note).

"We can smooch when you're safe, birdbrain," Bailey said.

"I say all these fond words to you and you call me birdbrain," Jack said as they went back on deck, pretending to be offended. "I am still your captain, you know. Blatant disrespect for authority. I won't stand for it."

"Sure you won't, Captain Birdbrain."


	6. Change in the Wind

Jack had sat in the bow of the longboat, and I had squeezed in next to him. He looked very serious and tense, clutching his jar of dirt silently. I wished there was something I could say that would make him feel better, even just a little bit, but nothing was coming to mind.

"You're pullin' too fast," Pintel said.

"You're pulling too slow," Ragetti said. "We don't want the Kraken to catch us."

"I'm savin' me strength for when it comes! And I don't think it's Krack-en, anyways. I always heard it said Kray-kin."

"What, with a long A?"

"Aye."

"No-no-no-no-no-no-no. Krock-en's how it's pronounced in the original Scandinavian, and Krack-en's closer to that."

"Well we ain't original Scandinavians, are we? Kray-ken!"

"It's a mythological creature, I can calls it what I wants!"

As we climbed out of the boat, Jack said, presumably to Pintel and Ragetti, "Guard the boat, mind the tide...don't touch my dirt."

I leaned over the boat and poked the jar. "Touch."

Jack's mouth twitched and for a moment it looked like his dour expression might budge. But it didn't.

Compass in hand, Liz began walking around where it lead her. She was not having a very good time of it. "This doesn't work. And it certainly doesn't tell you what you want most!" Frustrated, she put it down on the sand.

"Yes it does! You're sitting on it!" Jack exclaimed.

Liz looked confused. "Beg pardon?"

"Move." He shooed her, and she got up. Norrington picked up a shovel and started digging. It didn't look like Jack or Elizabeth had any intention of helping him, so I picked up the other shovel and started digging as well. Norrington looked slightly surprised but kept right on digging. Jack, meanwhile, had sat down on the sand criss-cross-applesauce with his eyes closed and his hands resting on his knees.

Finally, Norrington's shovel hit something, and there was a loud clank of metal on metal. We (that is, excepting dear Elizabeth, who, while badass enough to wear boy clothes and use a sword, was obviously still too fragile to do stuff like lift heavy things) pulled a large box up and out of the ground. Hurriedly, Jack opened it. Inside were a bunch of letters, a bouquet of flowers, and, of course, the chest. Jack lifted it out and onto the ground. All four of us slowly lowered ourselves and put our ears up to the chest.

Inside it, we heard the slow but steady thump of a beating heart.

"It's real!" Elizabeth gasped.

"You really were telling the truth," said Norrington, smiling.

"I do that quite a lot, actually. Yet people are always surprised," Jack said.

"With good reason!"

Dun da da DA! It was the amazing Idiot-Man, suddenly returned and standing on the beach in front of us. Elizabeth cried out with joy and threw herself at him. "Will! You're alright! Thank God! I came to find you!" They kissed. Aw.

"How did you get here?" said Jack. I was wondering that myself.

"Sea turtles," Will replied with a bit of a grin. "A pair of them, strapped to my feet."

"Not so easy, is it?" Jack said wryly.

"But I do owe you thanks, Jack."

"You do?"

"After you tricked me onto that ship to square your debt with Jones-"

"_What_?" Elizabeth squeaked.

"What?" Jack imitated her in falsetto.

"I was reunited with my father," Will finished.

"Oh! Well...you're welcome, then."

Elizabeth turned to Jack, looking furious. "Everything you said to me...every word was a lie!" Her voice was doing that thing it did whenever she got really emotional, where it got all shaky and made her sound like a sheep. I laughed. She glared at me and then returned to glaring at Jack.

"Pretty much. Time and tide, luv," said Jack. Meanwhile, Will knelt down and pulled out his knife.

"Oy! What are you doing?" Jack demanded.

"I'm gonna kill Jones."

Jack pulled out his sword and pointed it at Will. "Can't let you do that, William. 'Cause if Jones is dead, who's to call his terrible beastie off the hunt, eh? Now, if you please: the key."

Standing up, Will backed off slowly, then drew Elizabeth's sword and pointed it back at Jack. "I keep the promises I make, Jack. I intend to free my father. I hope you're here to see it."

Norrington drew his sword, pointing it at Will. "I can't let you do that, either. So sorry."

"I knew you'd warm up to me eventually," said Jack brightly.

Norrington turned the sword to point at Jack. "Lord Beckett desires the contents of that chest. I deliver it, and I get my life back."

"Ah. The dark side of ambition."

"I prefer to think of it as the promise of redemption."

And then they started fighting. You wouldn't think a three-way sword fight would be feasible, but somehow they made it work. It looked pretty cool. Liz didn't seem to agree.

"Stop it!" she yelled. They ignored her.

"Guard the chest!" Will called.

"_NO_!" Liz screamed. "This is _barbaric_! This is no way for _grown men_ to settle- Oh, _fine_! Let's just pull out our swords and start _banging_ away at each other! This will solve everything! I've had it! I've had it with _wobbly-legged, rum-soaked PIRATES!_" She started picking up rocks and throwing them at the guys. I wasn't sure what it was-maybe the sight of uptight Elizabeth totally having a breakdown, or the absurdity that was three people swordfighting at once, or the general discomforting feeling of being about as useful as a rag doll in a hurricane, but I started laughing and laughing and I couldn't stop. I fell over and just sorta rolled around in the sand, cackling like a hyena.

Okay, maybe Liz wasn't the only one having a breakdown.

Meanwhile, Liz had pretended to faint. The three musketools over there weren't taking any notice. She sat up and jammed her hat back on her head, looking frustrated. Then Pintel and Ragetti ran by with the chest, giggling.

"Hey. Chest alert," I said, pointing.

Wordlessly, Elizabeth got up to chase them, grabbing me by the wrist to yank me along. I pulled my hand away (geez, she's got a strong grip) but kept up running alongside her. We finally caught up to the idiots, who dropped the chest and grinned lecherously, pulling out their swords.

"'Ello, _poppets_," said Pintel, in all his creepy glory, he and Ragetti slowly advancing toward us. Elizabeth felt around for her own sword and then took a step backward, smiling sheepishly, realizing that Will had it. I pulled out my sword, and she looked slightly relieved.

The giant wheel rolled by, with Jack, Will, and Norrington fighting on top. We all stared for a minute, before Pintel and Ragetti continued advancing toward us.

"Back off, you." I brandished my sword at them.

At that moment, an axe buried itself in the palm tree near us. We all whirled around to see Davy Jones's crew crashing through the bushes toward us. Soon enough, the four of us get entangled in a swordfight with the crew. The fish-people were scary enough as it was, but having to share three swords among four people was utterly nerve-wracking.

"Sword!"

"Sword!" Someone threw a sword to Elizabeth, just in time.

"Sword!" Pintel got the sword, once again, just in time.

"Sword!" And then Ragetti got the sword just in time.

"Sword!" A fish-face swung his club at me, and Elizabeth threw a sword to me. I blocked the club, shoved against it so that the club swung away, and ran the fish dude right through.

Pintel and Ragetti dropped the swords and ran off, which didn't seem like a bad idea. I followed suit, running back toward the shore and, more importantly, the boat.

I saw that while Jack was occupied in combat with one of the fishmen, Norrington was grabbing the letters of mark and the heart. Not on my watch, bucko!

"Hey, Jimbo!" Norrington turned around, and my fist collided with his face. He fell over, collapsing against the side of the boat, and I clutched my punching hand. "Fuck-a-doodle-doo, that hurt! God! Why is your face so hard and pointy?" My hand was throbbing and my head was whirling (_holy crap you just punched a guy out holy crap_) but there was no time to waste. I reached into the unconscious Norrington's vest and pulled out the heart. "Oh, oh, this is so gross..." It was all slimy and pulsating, like a live frog. I tucked it into my vest just as Norrington started coming to, looking confused.

By now, everyone had gathered around the boat, with Jones's men bearing in on us.

"We're not getting out of this," Elizabeth said worriedly.

"Not with the chest. Into the boat."

I didn't need telling twice, quite willingly hopping aboard. Norrington took the chest, apparently still under the impression he had the heart. "You're mad," Elizabeth told him.

"Don't wait for me," he replied, running off with it.

"Uh, I say we respect his final wish," Jack said quickly.

"I second that notion!" I said, at the same time Pintel said, "Aye!"


	7. Falling Behind

"You're pulling too hard!"

"You're not pulling hard enough!"

"Where's the Commodore?" Gibbs asked.

"He fell behind," Jack replied.

"My prayers be with him," Gibbs said grimly. Then, brightening, he added, "Well, best not wallow in our grief. The bright side is: you're back. And made it off free and clear..." At that moment, the Flying Dutchman appeared out of the water right beside the Pearl.

"You just had to say that," I said, shaking my head.

"Lord almighty. Deliver us," said Gibbs, looking horrified.

"I'll handle this, mate," Jack said casually. Grabbing his jar of dirt, he strutted across the deck. "Oy! Fishface! Lose something? Hey! Ooop!" He fell down the stairs. Everyone winced. "Still got it!" He held up the jar triumphantly, before getting back to his feet.

"Jack," I said, running after him.

Jack shushed me and continued talking to Jones. "Come to negotiate, eh, you slimy git? Look what I got! I got a jar of di-irt, I got a jar of di-irt, and guess what's inside it!" He was grinning broadly and it lit up his whole face. It was adorable.

"Jack! It's not in the jar," I said, pulling the heart out of my vest. I held it up high. "Hello, hi, Mr. Jones, sir? I believe this bad boy is yours."

Everyone looked shocked. Davy had just about gone apoplectic with rage, spluttering more water than words. "My-you-wench, you'll give that back if you know what's good for you! I'll send the lot of you to the depths!"

"Ah, there's the rub," I said, having way too much fun with this. "If we get hurt, so does Mr. Ventricles here!"

Jack grabbed my arm. "What are you doing?" he hissed.

"Excuse us for a moment," I called, and then Jack and I turned aside. "Norrington tried to steal the heart," I told Jack in a low voice, "and I stopped him." I held out the heart and Jack took it. We turned around to face Jones again and Jack held up the heart.

"Got your heart! Hahaha!"

Scowling, Davy Jones turned around and said something to his crew. The Flying Dutchman turned and started sailing in the opposite direction.

"Well!" said Jack. "That was easier than I thought it'd be."

"Is that it?" I said. "Are you safe now?"

The ship jarred; Jack wobbled and I stumbled over, bonking into him.

"Must've hit a reef!" someone yelled.

"No, it's not a reef!" said Will. "Get away from the rail!"

Jack went down the stairs, pulling me along behind him. "Here, hold this for a moment, would you?" he said, handing me the heart. Surreptitiously, he started getting one of the longboats ready. "Come on."

"What?"

"Into the boat," he ordered.

"We can't leave them!"

"We can try. Either you're getting in yourself or I'm going to pick you up and put you in it, it's your choice." The boat went over the side, and Jack started climbing down toward it. With a sigh, I followed him.

"This is a waste of time," I said. "I know you're not gonna abandon everyone."

"And yet here we are," Jack replied, picking up the oars.

"How do you expect us to escape the kraken in a rowboat, anyway?"

"It certainly won't improve the situation if you keep blathering on instead of helping me row." I took one of the oars and started helping, but I stared at him. Intensely, without blinking. He looked uncomfortable. "Stop that." Jack tried to shift so that he could look somewhere other than me, and his gaze seemed to fall on the Pearl, getting swarmed by tentacles. He sighed.

And so we went back to the ship, just in time for Jack to pick up the rifle Elizabeth dropped and shoot the net full of powder and rum barrels. It exploded, burning big chunks out of the kraken's tentacles, which released the Pearl and sunk back into the water.

"Did we kill it?" said Marty.

"No," Gibbs said, "we just made it angry. We're not out of this yet." To Jack he said, "Captain! Orders?"

"Abandon ship. Into the longboat."

"Jack! The Pearl!"

"She's only a ship, mate," Jack said, but he looked despondent. I grabbed his hand in what I hoped was a comforting way.

"He's right, we have to head for land," Elizabeth agreed.

"S' a lot o' open wa'er," said Pintel doubtfully.

"That's a lot o' wa'er," Ragetti echoed.

"We have to try," said Will. "We can get away as it takes down the Pearl."

"Abandon ship. Abandon ship or abandon hope!" Gibbs declared, erring a little on the side of melodrama, if you ask me.

Jack took his hand out of mine. "You go on, love, I...need a minute."

I nodded. And then I remembered. "Shit! I almost forgot my fiddle." I'd left it below when we'd gone ashore earlier. I made a mad dash for it, hoping they wouldn't leave without me.

When I came back, Liz was standing very close to Jack, and I realized with horror that they were kissing. No! This was the exact opposite of what I wanted to be happening! "No!" I shouted. Liz turned around, startled. Now I could see that she'd chained Jack to the mast and the horror turned to outright panic.

"Undo it! Undo the thing!" I demanded, shaking her.

"No," she said coldly. I pushed her aside and grabbed the manacle around Jack's wrist.

"I'll get you out of this," I told Jack, although my hands were shaking a little, "just-how do I unlock th-"

I felt a sharp pain at the back of my head and then nothingness.

* * *

"Anything?"

"No..."

"Try slapping her!"

Someone slapped me. It stung. "Ow! I'm awake, I'm awake! Geez." I opened my eyes to see Ragetti and Marty leaning over me. Everybody-me, them, Will, Liz, Gibbs, Pintel, and Cotton-were squeezed in a longboat.

"Sorry," said Ragetti.

"'S okay," I said. The back of my head hurt way more than my cheek did. Gingerly, I felt around for the spot, but it was just sore, not bleeding or anything. Phew. "Tell me we didn't leave Jack behind and this is all a bad dream."

"We didn't leave Jack be'ind, an' this is all a bad dream," Ragetti said obediently.

"Liar."

_Look on the bright side_, I told myself. _At least things can't get any-_

"Criminy," said Pintel, squinting at something in the distance. "Ain't that Beckett's ship?"

"Oh no," I said. Of course it could get worse. It could always get worse. "Norrington must have told him that we have the heart!"

By then, Will and Liz and Gibbs had seen the Endeavor, too. With the ship fast approaching, we had no way of getting away, and there was nothing we could do but wait. When the Endeavor was within speaking distance, Beckett came out to the rail to address us. "Ah, isn't this a pitiful-looking little group?" he said. It was an insult in a thin coat of feigned sympathy. "No need to trouble you further at this time. The heart, if you please."

Everyone looked at me. I shook my head. "No."

"Allow me to rephrase that," said Beckett, with the slightest of fake smiles. "Hand over the heart and perhaps I won't blow your little boat into driftwood."

I knew Beckett getting his hands on the heart was a Really Bad Thing, but avoiding a fiery exploding death seemed the more pressing matter. "You promise you won't hurt us?"

"I promise. You'll be free to go on your merry way." And, true to his word, as soon as he had the heart, the Endeavor left. It felt bizarre that I managed to come out completely unscathed, as if I had made a deal with a velociraptor without getting hurt.

The boat drifted further along, and the trees became thicker. There were lots of people standing in the water, holding lit candles and looking sad. Many of them were crying. I felt my own eyes prickle. I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not I'm not...

When we gathered inside Tia's house, there was a tense and gloomy silence. I longed to say something like, hey, it's totally Elizabeth's fault that Jack is dead right now! But I didn't know how to bring it up. I just stared at the floor, my face wet with tears.

Tia came out with a tray of mugs, offering them to each of us, starting with Liz. "Against the cold...and the sorrow," Tia said. Liz reluctantly took one. Moving on to Will, Tia said, "It's a shame. I know you're thinking that with the Pearl, you coulda captured the devil and set free your father's soul."

"Doesn't matter now," said Will. "The Pearl's gone. Along with its captain."

"Aye," said Gibbs, "and already the world seems a bit less bright. He fooled us all right to the end, but I guess that honest streak finally won out. To-"

"But it wasn't his honest streak!" I blurted. "It was Elizabeth! She chained him to the mast!"

"Mother's love," Gibbs said, looking at Liz like he couldn't believe it. Pintel and Ragetti, who had both started crying, suddenly started giving Liz dirty looks. Cotton's parrot squawked, "Raaawk! Hornswoggle!"

"Elizabeth?" said Will. She was shaking, looking around shiftily.

"She's lying," said Liz, not looking at me. "You fainted! You're making it up!"

"She kissed him so that he'd be distracted," I said furiously, "then she cuffed him, and then she bashed me over the head so I wouldn't say anything! She's a stinking murderer! Guys, back me up, didn't any of you see them kissing?"

"I...I did," Will admitted. He looked at Elizabeth with an expression like a hurt puppy. "I didn't want to believe my eyes..."

"Hah!" I said, leaping up in triumph and pointing at Elizabeth. "Just been proven guilty by the guilt-prover!"

"I only did what needed to be done to save us all!" Liz protested, looking at Will, then me, then around at everyone. "I feel terrible!"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, killing must be so hard. In honor of your plight, I shall play a song on the world's smallest violin." Holding up one hand, I rubbed my thumb and index finger together.

"You're hardly guiltless yourself. You do realize now that Beckett has the heart, he controls everything-he'll be executing dozens, hundreds of people?"

"I was the one trying to save our skins! Including Jack's! If it wasn't for me Norrington would have-ugh, why am I explaining myself? You got a problem? What's your problem?" I demanded, glaring at her.

"It's five feet tall and smells like tree sap," she said, glaring back at me.

"I've had it with you! Let's go! Outside!"

"I'm not going to fight you just for the sake of fighting," said Elizabeth, "that's barbaric!"

I slapped her-not hard, but enough to get the message across. I would have done it with a glove, but I didn't have any. The non-glove slap was effective enough, though. Liz became furious and grabbed the hilt of her sword. "All right, _fine!_ You want to fight, _we'll fight_."

We went into the forest surrounding Tia Dalma's house and found a clearing among some trees. Elizabeth stood a few paces away from me as we drew our swords.

Clang, clang, clang! Liz and I began fighting. My forehead prickled with sweat as I tried to keep up. Liz was, without question, the better swordsman, and I was pretty sure she was trying to kill me. I remembered Jack told me when he was giving me fencing pointers. "When you're pitted against someone who's a better fighter than you are-and you'll find that happens a lot-you've got to be cleverer than them," he had said. "Play dirty. Antagonize them, if you can-the angrier they get, the easier it is to outsmart 'em."

"Gonna kill me, Lizzie?" I yelled as I blocked one of her attacks. "Two murders in one day - you're on a roll!"

Liz scowled. "I-" Clang. "Am _not_-" Clang. "A _murderer_! I'm a good person!"

"You say that, but I guess you're not the sort for practicing what you preach, huh? Honor, decency, doing the right thing...Tricking someone into their death kinda goes against all that, doncha think?"

"Shut up!" Liz shouted. "I try to do the right thing. I'm not infallible, I know that, but I always try to do something. What do you do? Nothing. You're a nuisance, you just get in the way! You're useless!"

That was something I'd been thinking a lot myself, but I wasn't going to let her know that."I'm useful! And I manage it without betraying people!"

Liz had me cornered, my back up against a cluster of trees. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

I grabbed her by the shirt and smooched her right on the mouth. She just about dropped her sword, she was so shocked. I took this opportunity to kick her in the shins, and I ran away, cackling.

By the time Liz came looking for me, I had climbed one of the trees. I waited for her to be directly beneath me and then I dropped onto her shoulders. She screamed and slammed me against a tree. I put my hands around her neck and started squeezing. Choking and gagging, Liz slammed me against a tree again. I fell off her onto the ground, groaning in pain. Liz sank to her knees, gasping and massaging her throat.

"Do you..." I panted, "do you wanna just call it a draw?"

Liz nodded fervently. She grabbed my hand, helping me into a sitting position. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice raspy, "I...I really am. I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was the only way..."

"I believe you," I said. "I'm sorry I tried to strangle you and stuff."

"I deserved it," said Liz. "I know you care for Jack. I don't know what I'd do to someone if they killed Will."

"We have enough jerks trying to kill us," I declared. "I think it would be better for everyone if we could just get along."

"I agree entirely," said Liz. I held out my hand and she shook it.

We went back inside the shack as if nothing had happened. "So!" I said. "Jack can't really be gone forever, right? We can get him back. Right?"

"Depends," said Tia, smiling slyly. "What...would you do? Any of you? Hmm? Would you sail to the ends of the earth and beyond...to fetch back witty Jack and him precious Pearl?"

"Indubitably," I said without hesitation.

"Aye," said Gibbs, and Pintel, and Ragetti, and Cotton's parrot.

"Yes," said Elizabeth.

"Aye," Will said.

"Alright," said Tia. "But if you're gonna brave the weird and haunted shores at world's end, then...you will need a captain who knows those waters."

Barbossa came down the stairs.

"What," I said flatly.

"So tell me," he said. "What's become of my ship?" Smiling broadly, he bit into an apple, and the frothy juice dribbled down his chin. Gross.

"Did you not hear, like, the entire conversation we've had?" I said.

"Ah, Miss Brown," said Barbossa. "How is it that nobody's shot you yet?"

* * *

end of part two


End file.
